Never go with a hippie to a second location.– Alec Baldwin
Yeah I was a little slow getting this up (I guess in Internet-world … If you peel yourself from your monitor, Monday really wasn’t that long ago.) But whatever, all is redeemed with cookies! Check out my own wicked recipe and write-up for the Anytime Cookie at Saveur.com :) (The photo belongs to my friend Mackenzie Smith of Grilled Cheese fame :)
Ali vs. New York - Part VI
Guy: “yo, you’re so laid back, what part of Cali you from? You got any coke?” “No. From Vancouver.” Guy: “Aw geez, sorry ‘bout that. You got any weed?”
Ali vs. New York - Part V
It’s 115 ℉. You go to Jamba Juice. You buy a hot chocolate. “For an extra 50¢ you can add a protein boost of ARE YOU FUCKING RETARDED!?”
Today I met a Typographer. He is the only one who understands why I wear a...
It's Cannibal Night
Every Wednesday my neighbours across the hall gather their friends and cook dinner together, and every Wednesday I seal up my apartment because there is absolutely nothing on this Earth that could possibly smell so bad. Except…
I think he’s a genius. … I bet he’s a jerk.
Ali vs. New York - Part V
Don’t make eye-contact with people on the street. They will either: A) Ask you for money B) Hit on you C) Hit on you and then ask you for money
The Pentagon Regulation of the day is...
According to the Pentagon’s Department of Food Procurement, a “Type 2 Cookie” is salivatingly classified as such: “The cookie shall consist of two round cakes with a layer of filling between them. The weight of the cookie shall not be less than 21.5 grams and filling weight not less than 6.4 grams. The base cakes shall be uniformly baked with a color ranging from not...
If one more person asks me where I’m originally from, I say...
Ali vs. New York - Part IV
Only in New York do you get a smart-ass veggie plate. Where you might ask, What’s in the Russian Dressing? Whaddaya think’s in the Russian Dressing?!
Movies in the Park
I don’t know why this idea hasn’t been executed in more places. Every summer it’s a knock-out. Drive-ins were nixed because of the potential hanky-panky that the privacy of cars allowed, but nix the cars and you nix the problem (and those rowdy greasers hitting on your girl.) Acoustics aren’t great, especially when the film was like yesterday’s “39...
Fantastic 4, Issue #13 wherein Mr. Fantastic...
She's Super Freaky!
What do you do on a lazy Sunday afternoon with nothing to do? Go to a Freak Show. By yourself. At least I can say I had a reason (and a Press Pass) (I have friends, I swear.)
Getting Smashed in Union Square on a Sunday...
…with a pillow. Read about how I got smashed in the face and started to realize I’m not as young as I once was. At least PAPER takes me interesting places.
To the tourists of New York City: When you’re attempting to hail a taxi,...– I SAID IT!
Penn Station can suck my umbrellas
Every time it’s raining and I’m walking toward Penn Station with my umbrella, I think to myself “This time is going to be different. This time, I’ll make it.” But it never is, and I never do. Annihilated umbrella count to the constant Penn Station hurricane of seventh ave. and west 33rd street: 3
Ali does SneakerCon NYC with PAPER Magazine
Another on-assignment bit I got to enjoy was SneakerCon NYC, hosted by Adidas on Sullivan Street and W. Houston. The lineup was three hours long, but because I hate waiting in lines, I decided to buy a couple of coffees in exchange for some epic line-cutting at the front with two guys called Omar and Ameer (whose kicks I snapped in the photo above.) They seemed leery of my caffeine offering but...
Ali vs. New York - Part III
In different parts of the world, certain sickos keep running numbers of the wild animals they kill “accidentally.” For example: In Australia, truckers tally kangaroos. In Southern States America, hovercraft drivers tally gators. In the North, boaters tally seals. In Manhattan, taxis tally pedestrians.
After many nights of being woken by the peculiar heavy thumping from my neighbours upstairs at 3:00 in the morning, I had reasoned it could only be one thing. Most nights I could brush it off, but not last night. I was agitated and couldn’t fall back to sleep, so I resolved to put on my jacket, and pick up some tea from the all-hours deli next door. On my way back to the elevator, I was...
Cåffee– Ali vs. New York - Part II
Score! Now I can go places!
So I made an attempt at deep-frying a Snickers bar for my roommates. Miserable fail. Learning from my mistakes, I should probably do the following for the future: 1) Wait until the candy bar is frozen solid so that it doesn’t melt into the hot oil. 2) Procure a thermometer instead of trying to guess the temperature of the boiling oil. 3) Buy a fire extinguisher.
Ham-bone.” Probably the worst thing you could call a heavy girl with...
My Extended Family
I collect good people. They are scattered like confetti around the world. They love me and I love them. Years pass and they are still there in my pockets, through the clouds, in the soil, and under oceans. They are scattered like confetti around the world, and I’m living in a party decorated like a jail cell.
Winter is upon me
Only two degrees between me and Anna Wintour. I thought the air got chillier.
Ali vs. New York - Part I
Nobody gives a shit. If they say they do, they are either: a) Trying to take your money, b) Someone beneath you that you shouldn’t give a shit about.
Jeg vil være i orden.
Faux Paws for a Cause
With New York Fashion Week about to begin, you’ve got a list of designers demanding that you make an appearance at their shows, but before you do anything, you want to make sure everyone knows you’re on the right side of the runway. Or the left, in this case. Hippie fashion was never your bag, but daily receipts from Whole Foods and worn Fleetwood Mac albums still betray your tie-dye days of...
On the prowl with PETA wearing Prada
My initiation into PAPER magazine has been great so far, and such timing right as New York Fashion week is getting kicked off! This means tons of swanky parties and shows to see and talk about. A few days ago I had the privilege of reporting at the Fashion Week Bash hosted by PETA at the Stella McCartney flagship store in Chelsea. I thought it was great that PETA wanted to kick things off....
Power Samurai Rangers Lightspeed Dino Rescue...
Someone tell me when the Power Rangers turned samurai. I thought they were mecha-dinosaur robot vacuum machine action heroes, but I guess samurai doesn’t hurt on a resume like that.
Insert Christmas Jazz Here
So it’s December, and December means Christmas, and Christmas, if Hollywood has taught us anything, means New York City, a saxophone version of O Tannenbaum, and standing in the snowy street with your star-crossed soulmate who skipped his flight to New Brunswick to be with you. For eternity. I thought I’d head over and look forlorn to see if this really works. I would start at...
5 Ingredient Fix
I like being minimalist. Sleek and unfussy. Simple sentences. See Spot run. One of my favorite contemplations is the one infamous “desert island” question. There are a few variations; who’s marooned with you, or what food would you eat for the rest of your waking hours But my favorite is deciding which five things I would carry with me at all times, or in my kitchen, or living...
Addicted to Chocolate
Forget any kick-boxing movie you’ve ever watched, destroy your Dragon shrine, tear down your Rumble in the Bronx poster and watch this movie right now. Right. Now. If you’re after some serious ass-kicking and moves that are holy shit-face crazy, you’re in for a treat. (No wonder they call it Chocolate.)
I just finished watching Disney’s Tron from 1982. I understand this movie was something of a visual marvel for it’s time, and I can see the wide-open potential to make it something really epic with the technology we have our disposal today, but the storyline? I hate internet acronyms like I hate people that drag their feet, but WTF? I think there was some form of narrative in there,...
When I carry coffee, even if it’s super cold outside, I always remove my gloves so if I spill, I’ll burn my hand but keep my gloves clean. Is that weird?
All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them.– Walt Disney
Put all your eggs in one basket, and just make sure you watch that one basket.– Mark Twain
You're Fat 'cause You're Stupid, and You're Stupid...
I read about a study done recently out of Northwestern University regarding the connection between corpulence and intelligence in women. It was about an observation of 9,000 women that described, after a series of memory tests, those who were “pear shaped”—so eloquently euphemized—were noticeably dumber than women of other fruity geometry. I’m not about to argue the validity of the study,...